


The Farce of a Trial of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black

by Living_Free



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Unuiverse, Black family recessive genes, Crack, Everybody Lives, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Harry Potter as a baby, Harry is still the boy who lived, Humor, Multi, No logic in the wizarding world, Peter Pettigrew is the traitor, Post-First War with Voldemort, Severus Snape's grudges, Sirius Black is massively inbred, Sneaky Albus Dumbledore, Tired James Potter, and everyone knows it, technically the baby who lived
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-23 12:40:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23344942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: In a world where the Potters survived Vodemort, where Harry still bears the scar, where Sirius Black does not suffer Azkaban, justice is still slow to come.No one said that wizards were smart!Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are called upon by the Wizengamot to answer for their ruthless actions during the war. Sirius maintains that he is as innocent as a unicorn foal, and Remus is well mannered and has achieved his dream of working in a chocolate shop, but all that could be taken away if this farce of a trial does not go their way.Luckily, they have friends on their side to speak for them. Also Snape.Wait a second. Snape!?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 27
Kudos: 227





	The Farce of a Trial of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black

Minister of Magic, Madam Millicent Bagnold scrutinized that Wizengamot gathered before her. Each witch or wizard was staring at the co-accused, if they could even be called that. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black stood cheerfully in the defendant’s booth, with Black happily pointing our members of the Wizengamot to his friend.

“-and that’s Ogden Nott, he’s a right wanker-“

Madame Bagnold sighed as the insulted Nott’s eyes popped. She brought her gavel down and called for order. “I do hereby call this Wizengamot session to order,” she declared loudly as the courtroom settled. “We are here today to preside over the case of one Mr. Remus John Lupin and one Mr. Sirius Orion Black regarding their actions in the recent war. Would the defendants identify themselves?”

“Hello everyone, I’m Remus,” Lupin said with a little wave. Several old witches tittered from the jury and the gallery at the well-mannered bloke.

“I’m Sirius Devastatingly-Handsome Black, First of the Name,” Sirius winked. More titters followed, this time with the voices of some thirsty young men.

“Oh my god,” Lily Potter hissed from the gallery, “he’s such a tool, James.”

From beside his wife, James Potter just nodded quietly. “Yes dear.”

Bagnold rolled her eyes. “Please maintain your decorum, Mr. Black. You and Mr. Lupin stand accused of breaking the Wartime Code of Conduct in Battle-“

“Which is utter tosh, by the way-“

“Mr. Black!”

“It is!” Sirius seethed. “We were at war, in active battle! You expect us to shoot little tickle jinxes? The death eaters were firing killing curses-“

“For which they were punished by this court of law-“

“Debatable.”

“-with due process,” Bagnold bit out. She sympathized with the man, knowing that the likes of Lucius Malfoy and Walden Macnair walked free to this day. However, when the Tradtionalist – read, Death Eater bigots - branch of the Wizengamot wanted to make an example of some Order fighters, she was powerless to veto the motion.

Which brought them to the present moment.

“Mr. Lupin,” Bagnold started, “you stand accused of, ahem, ‘ripping of the face of one Julius Avery’ on the battle of the night of June 18th.”

“Oh, you’re welcome,” Remus said politely.

Bagnold sighed. “Mr. Lupin, that was the accusation.”

“Oh,” Remus said, sounding dismayed. “Well, to be fair, I didn’t mean to rip his face off. I was half-way through a transformation. It was a full moon, you see. There was even a ‘keep out’ sign on my door, but the death eaters had rushed our safehouse. When Avery barged in, I made to slap him, but my claws were already out. Hence the face rippage.”

“Good on you, Remus.”

“Thank you, Sirius.”

Bagnold felt a headache building in her temples. “You are a werewolf, Mr. Lupin.”

“Oh yes.”

There was a wave of bigoted muttering. “And you concealed this fact from the public eye?”

“Well, no one asked,” Remus said. “So I just went about my business.”

“Mr. Lupin, what exactly is your business?”

“I work in a chocolate shoppe,” Remus beamed. “I am in charge of doing the quality check on the cacao beans. I am also a taste tester.”

“I see,” Bagnold said, tamping down a smile. It did the werewolf good to present such a wholesome image. “And what is your story, Mr. Black?”

Sirius straightened. “I am the tragic yet delicately beautiful Head of the House of Black – not that I want to be – whose life has been dictated by tragedy, interspersed by moments of fleeting happiness. I chose to fight the expectations of society and fought for good and equality-“

“Mr. Black, I am referring to the events of June 18th.”

“Oh. I was holed up in the safe house and having tea and also looking after Remus, when the death eaters popped up. I dueled them, spilled some blood, stood victorious.”

“Mr. Black, you stand accused of liquefying the innards of one Archibald Eddington-“

“Oh yikes-“

“-how do you plead?”

“I plead that I can’t help it when someone crashes into the potions cabinet.”

“Is it not true that it was your stunner that sent him reeling into said potions cabinet?”

“Tch, clumsy fellow, that Eddington. Also evil.”

“We maintain that our actions were the result of happy accidents,” Remus piped up. “We would never maim or kill anyone purposely.”

“Yes, look at my innocent eyes and see the truth,” Sirius said, widening his unnaturally purple eyes. Ah, the wonders of inbreeding.

“Sirius stop, you’re scaring the old people.”

“~But I’m so innocent, Remus~”

Bagnold banged her gavel once more as people tried to avoid Sirius’ ethereal, genetically recessive eyes. “We will now call upon the character witnesses for the accused. I would like to call Mr. James Fleamont Potter to the stand.”

James jumped up and strode purposefully forward, completely neglecting that he still had Harry strapped to his chest. “I am James Fleamont Ichabod Potter-“

“Mr. Potter, your son.”

James looked down at his baby boy, dozing fitfully against his chest, all snug in his papoose. “This is Harry James Luigi Potter.”

“We know who he is, Mr. Potter, could you please hand him off to Mrs. Potter?”

“Can’t, you don’t move a sleeping baby, it’s Not Done.”

“Very well,” Bagnold sighed. “Mr. Potter, please give your statement.”

James cleared his throat. “I will speak first about Remus Lupin, that fellow on the left. I have known Remus since we were eleven years of age, and have known of his lycanthropy since we were thirteen. Despite his affliction, he is as aggressive as a rabbit when given a sedative, and believes in the power of Love over all else. Once when we were sixteen, he ate a salamander when he transformed and proceeded to cry about how the salamander might have had a family. I attribute some of this to the fluctuating hormone levels after a transformation, but he has regular thoughts in the same vein all the time.

“Sirius Black is that dashing fellow over there. I trust him more than my own shadow, and he is the godfather to my son. We also met when we were eleven, and he is my foster brother since the age of fifteen. He is very noble and loyal, but had been stupid and thoughtless on occasion, which made Remus stop talking to him for six months. This was very sad, as Sirius was always weeping loudly, Remus was weeping quietly, and I was always out of tissues. Sirius once threw himself in the way of an overpowered cruciatus curse meant for me, and spent the rest of the night feeling poorly and whinging on the sofa. He never complains about his woes, and presents a perpetually happy front.

“I love both these men, and if anyone here convicts either of them today, I will make it my life’s mission to slather that person with chili oil and cut up to munch on for dinner.”

James stepped down as Remus and Sirius applauded him, while Lily hung her head in exasperation. The Wizengamot looked undecided on whether to change James with contempt and threats of bodily harm, but it Did Not Do to charge the father of the Boy Who Lived.

“Erm. Yes. Well. We will now call upon the next character witness, Mr. Severus Tobias Snape.”

James and Lily gasped as Snape strode in, and looked frantically at Dumbledore. “Albus! Snape will-“

“Severus will tell the truth, as he is bound to,” Albus said quietly from next to Lily. “Albeit in his own special way.”

Bagnold fixed the surly man with a sharp gaze. “Severus Snape, you may now give your statements regarding the defendants to the court.”

Snape cleared his throat and stood tall. “I will speak first about Remus Lupin, the werewolf. When I was fifteen, Lupin almost ate my face.”

This led to a lot of muttering and Lily gasped, unable to bear the thought that Severus might condemn her friends.

“Cease mumbling, I have not finished,” Snape said sharply. “As I was saying, my face was nearly eaten, but once Lupin had recovered, he spent the next year softly crying and making horrid cow eyes at me. He tried to ‘make it up to me’ by giving me several Snickers bars.

“The point of this tale is that I believe that while Lupin is dangerous as a transformed wolf, as all werewolves are, he is not normally so. Lupin has all the personality of a wet marshmallow. He is as threatening as a puffskein in heat. He has-“

“Oh lord,” Lily groaned.

“-hair the colour of dishwater and the impulsivity of a slug. I once went to sit on a chair which turned out to be Lupin instead, because he was wearing a beige sweater and brown pants and blended in with the furniture. It was a horrifying experience.”

Snape cleared his throat. “This is not to say that Lupin is not dangerous. He is. As a wolf. Otherwise, he is as dangerous as a niffler suffering from allergies. Sirius Black on the other hand-“

“Oh lord,” James groaned.

“Sirius Black does not deserve the oxygen that he imbibes,” Snape spat. “He is a cad of the highest order, a louse of the lowest form, and a despicable gasbladder that has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Black has few thoughts in his head, and never more than one at a time. Even now, he thinks of groping Lupin’s bum. What you were thinking putting them in the same stand, I cannot think.”

Sirius quickly drew his hand away from Remus’ bum.

“Sirius Black is a remorseless, thoughtless brat who thinks that he could get away with murder.” Sirius flinched as Snape willed him to die on the spot. To Snape’s everlasting regret, Sirius continued to live.

“This is not, however, to say that he has committed murder,” Snape went on. “A stunner and a crash into a potions cabinet does not make a murderer so much as it does a series of (un)fortunate circumstances. Quite frankly, I have wasted enough of my time and life by simply being here. I have a finite lifespan and would very much like to spend it NOT looking upon Sirius Black and the Man-Who-Impersonates-Furniture.

“I cannot think as to why I have been summoned here, but for this absolute farce of a trial, I will have my say,” Snape seethed. “Had the moderates and progressives in the Wizengamot gathered together their collective organelles, they would have formed the single neuron required to actually form a coalition and veto the Traditionalist faction. I encourage everyone here to first remove their heads from their arses, and then to immediately go and boil their heads in a vat of Sensibility Serum. I will be more than willing to provide copious amounts of said potion-“

“Erm,” Sirius asked quietly as Snape was still ripping several new assholes, “can we go now please?”

Bagnold looked over from the sight that was Severus Snape chewing out the Law and Order of the wizarding world. “Yes, quite, your cases are dismissed,” she said hurriedly.

Sirius led Remus off and rejoined James and Lily. “Hey guys, hello Albus,” he greeted his former headmaster.

“Hello Sirius,” Dumbledore beamed.

“You planned this when you brought Snape over, didn’t you?” Remus asked slyly.

“Just so,” Dumbledore beamed. “I may have interrupted him when he was brewing a batch of otherwise perfect felix felicis. He will have to start all over again, and wait for it to brew for a whole month, the poor lad. This is the least I can do for him,” he said, gesturing at Snape, who was now singling out individual members of the Wizengamot to point out their flaws.

“That’s lovely,” Remus said. “Shall we go home now, then?”

James dithered. “I kinda wanted to watch Snape go off on some more people.”

Sirius looked to Remus, who shrugged. “Eh, why not?” Sirius asked, plopping down next to his friend. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”


End file.
